June 25th, 2008
Connections flourish when the mind’s pupil stands alert. They flow like a constellation and you, swinging like a monkey from one shiny coincidence to the next. Trust comes after the first few and the fear diminishes as the bounty grows. We are talking of course about following the dream. That one deep inside that makes your body tick and flow. The one that makes you glow. Your cheeks red, your heart slow.
Thankfully we are blessed with the cognitive ability to make the connections meaningful. To follow the road signs that your body points towards as it speaks to nature. My signs come in many forms and right now they are flying at me in spades… in the form of crow feathers. Everywhere I step… there is one sitting there confirming my way. Knowing that I am right, I continue.
June 2nd, 2008
The dog days of self torture and pity are not long gone but fewer and farther between like the coming summer weather. The rain comes around a little less while the sun peaks out occasionally to warm the heart. As the weather changes in my heart there are sudden, unexpected downpours that swamp my head and cause mildew to grow in my lungs. But overall there is more warmth, more hope and more sunny days… I can see the flowers springing out of my heart while my tummy makes way for the pretty butterflies of excitement. Hope clings to me like a heavy perfume overwhelming my sense of being.
During the initial adjustment of change I was overcome with doubt and grief, so much so that I could not even wink. The twinkle of my heart had sank… and though I pulled myself up and out, I had nothing more to give. I could not bear to write thinking I would only have darkness to share or conversely I would swing abruptly to the other side and write only bright and silly things that even Hallmark would find tasteless or flat.
I started pondering with a friend that to write with effort and with feeling one must be tortured and trapped. I must say at this turn on my path that I do not feel so darkly… and I can see the magic that burns beyond the self torture where true beauty stands and only the grateful feeling of self trust remains.
April 21st, 2008
I was painfully shy when I was younger, quiet with huge eyes. I took the world in but didn’t speak about it. As the years progressed my shyness faded into the background and words came easier however I still kept my beliefs my own. I became a master of finding ways to get others to talk and, like a voyeur step into their opinions, thoughts and feelings. I still didn’t really want to share.
Years went by and I found someone to share my life with. We spend a great deal of time together while I listened to his beliefs and thoughts on the world. Occasionally I would start sharing small bits and pieces of mine. They were different from his and sometimes that was okay but sometimes it wasn’t. The times when my differing ideals seemed to flow easy was when he hadn’t thought about it, liked the way i thought about “it” and therefore adopted my exquisitely chiseled idea as his own. And the times that my ideas/thoughts/beliefs challenged his own, well that was where trouble brewed.
Years flew by as I felt stagnant in my thoughts… or my creativity of thought seemed to slow to a flow more like honey than wine. I kept mulling over and over his ideals/thoughts/beliefs and felt that there were always room for more, that ultimately it didn’t matter that we didn’t share the same feelings on everything…..
Years passed still. And like a volcano, I erupted. It was no longer okay to feel rejected over some beliefs and not others, that I was open and he was not, that he kept mine without finding his own…. and selfish as it was I left in a skoosh of personal ideals belting from my mouth as if I were a waterfall.
April 9th, 2008
I found this furry little seed a long time ago. It almost seems like another life now. The seed was brown, egg shaped with many hairs cupping its shell. I don’t know this species but it looks cute to me so I tuck it in a pocket somewhere.
Many years pass and I find myself deep in the recess of some dark cloth, crumpled. I am cold and damp. My hair is disheveled and my skin is hard. I don’t like my surroundings so i dig deeper and deeper until I start to feel the minerals of the soil. They soothe me, nourish me in ways I that make me feel endlessly thirsty. I wallow here among the nutrients of life feeling loved by the surround.
The love grows and I find myself popping out of the soil, yet firmly rooted in my being. Still nourished from my friends, the minerals while soaking my head in the warm rays of the Sun. Love pours out every cell, radiating my surround like the sun radiates on me. A mutual appreciation ensues.
And then I grow.
March 7th, 2008
Cold, wet and rainy with violent winds circling around the buildings, I hear the storm. The darkness stifles. I imagine the stars beyond the clouds and ask for messages, for guidance. Then I turn in and snuggle up to the warmth of my bed. Fitful sleep, dreams thick and confusing. One stands above the rest like a beacon for my attention. I awake knowing that I am the Hierophant.
The telephone rings and my eyelid creeks. Destiny answers with a throaty hello. With excitement, I drop everything and stand at attention albeit fully nude. I am not feeling fully prepared just falling out of bed, foggy and slightly confused. All of the things that have brought me comfort spill away from my reach and suddenly I feel lost and abandoned but I know inside that this is not the case… For once, I am fully bright and illuminating my own path. All I have to do is put one foot in front of the other and trust the light that I shine.
We are never truly alone with all this expandable energy flowing every which way… we are bombarded, caressed with it every quantum second but we have become numb. Open your heart and feel the electrons pulsing within-without..they pet you with life. and we are one.
February 14th, 2008
Before there was isolation. Before feeling alone. There was a unified force which is ever present but cannot sometimes be felt because being in form separates. This unity has been described by many to consist of pure love.
Being in form individuates, tears apart from the unity that once was. This form is a spectacular gift but it comes at a cost because there is no longer connection with the energy that gives so much sustenance except for very fleeting moments.
Humbled by this life and infinitely grateful to be in the world of forms. Separated by skin. The knowing that such love exists… we must celebrate. And give thanks.
February 9th, 2008
Is the word that stared me down, glaring at me while I listened to the Sweetest Thing. A song that embodies something between love within and love without. Love of the excitement, the freedom and most of all the spiritual. Between the moments of dark, cold wind and rain there is a warmth that breathes on my skin, a softness that caresses my belly as the swell of excitement pushes me to a new space. In my periphery there are sparkles and glimmers that keep my eyes darting about trying to take it all in. The music tastes different, the food sounds happy and the perfume feels thick. I feel I have taken the reigns of my purpose and pulled them up to my chin like a fat, cozy blanket. I am comforted while I take inventory of all the Roads that Present themselves as endless possibilities.
The birds have been talking to me. I am listening but am still unclear… as I stay open to their messages countless people from my past happen by at the most provocative times. Its as though spring is here within starting anew. My old friends have new messages as though the birds have hired them for their voices since the incessant chirping didn’t quite get through. They flit about me, circling me with their wisdom chattering on with little tidbits that clue me into myself. Everything I hear is exactly, precisely and perfectly what I need.
All I can say is Thank You, humbly.
December 5th, 2007
When it started I was on shaky ground, not sure if I were flying or sinking. The ground was soft at first and then abrupt, like coming upon a staggering cliff from the bottom not understanding how to get back up. I just kept staring upward wondering how to make a path given the terrain was muddy, full of slate and looming over me like a protective parent. For awhile I clawed at the wall until I was just too tired. I gave up and sunk into the base of the cliff in the softest nook I could find. It was almost comforting. Dark and soft, damp. It gathered me in its paw, and I let go. But then there was a little inch. A little flicker within. It was a part of me that refused. A little opposing magnet deep inside repelling against the dark, softness that surrounded. As I sat there motionless, it started to grow. Unbeknown to me that little inch started growing and attracting like-forces. It grew from within and without. Suddenly it jarred something loose, the dark, soft mud became cold and wet, suffocating. My body stirred. I opened my eyes.
Like waking to an alarm, I jolted out of my cave. And slowly started building myself, because I figured that if I was bigger then the cliff would not loom so heavily over me. I let that little inch magnify, thrust me into like energies which converged until I was a massive force. So strong. So big. I looked to the cliff and stared it in the eyes and presented MYSELF in all the TRUTH I could muster. The cliff melted into a soft, round, glassy piece of sweetness and presented itself as a step for me to elevate my new SELF.
November 11th, 2007
Today I celebrated my 33rd birthday! I had been searching for a meditation center and came across a fund raising event for a zen meditation center up in Northgate. The event was for members to donate their time to make Buddha out of clay. These Buddhas will be auctioned off to fund the meditation center. I thought there was really no better way to spend my birthday than making gods of peace for the world. So I invited a couple of my closest friends and my mother to the clay making festivities. I have some pix as show and tell:
Us working (from my perspective):
Amanda and her beautiful Buddha Creations:
Annie and her beautiful Buddha Creations:
My mom and her beautiful Buddha Creation:
and of course, My beautiful Buddha Creations:
Some Finished Buddhas from previous donators:
If you would like to make one of these beautiful Buddhas yours come to this event:
Take home your own personal Buddha while helping to raise money for Blue Heron Zen Community. Clay Buddhas made by our sangha members and frieds will be on display at Blue Heron Zen Center from December 7th to 9th. Over the weekend we will hold a silent auction. You can bid on as many Buddhas as you like. Bidding will stop at 6:30 pm sharp, so if you want to take home your favorite Buddha or one you made youself, you’ll have to be the highest bidder.
November 4th, 2007
As a little girl I was obsessed with magic both trickery and the untouchable. The metaphysical, although I didn’t call it that back then. I completely believed with every ounce of my soul. I listened to the flowers and the worms, I had an honorary burial of a cricket in a banana peal because I believed that this cricket needed to be sent off to the spirits properly. So it is no surprise that I continue to listen… I listen to anything that will talk to me. And I hear things. Things with meaning. Loaded with meaning. Dripping from the movement of the trees, flowing from the cloud arrangements. I hear the universe talk to me.
Yesterday I went for a reading, yes, another reading. Her spirit guides were talking through her as she drew cards for me. They spoke TRUTH. I felt silly for having gone, since I already knew what they were telling me. Then I went home and attempted to speak with them myself… moments fleeting with feelings and pictures engulfed me. After 45 minutes I was more alert and clear full of love and life. I asked for an animal guide, not out loud but a soft wish within. Today above my parents home was a teenage hawk preening out his old baby feathers all over me, raining on me like a ritualistic cleanse. So, of course…. I have to look up the meaning of this animal.
I hear from this hawk that I must rip out the threads of self created illusions, to surrender anything that does not align with or honor the integrity of all life. But of course, like the reading… I feel silly for asking. Because I already feel this happening within…. since I am always listening.
