Private Nook

A survivor through and through
It is my name
With magical powers
And also a shadow
Casting hidden doubts with harsh voices
At times the protective veneer slips
I get a glimmer of something lost
Distance, without a name
I know this place has a key
I’ve been searching the world for it
Knowing that I likely already possess it
But how?
I am my own pandoras box
Secret to me yet familiar
In all my wanderings
I keep pulling at threads
Then one day I see my mirror
I dismiss it
But I cannot look away
As always, captivated by my own gaze.
Trapped. Transfixed. Entranced
By this stranger who is myself
I see others so clearly
but applying that reflection
To my body
Is so alien, unnatural
I push it away
I call it names
I put in in a box
Yet it crawls out
Again and again
It is my key
But not in any form
That I recognize
I turn it in my hand
to make sense of its shape
Which way do I use it?
It is not shiny
Not corrugated
It is gentle
And dark
Quiet
Persistent
Steady
I fall into recognition
Like an embrace
That I’ve needed
1,000 times over
A key was found
Yet the person behind the door
It is me
As I have always been
But never acknowledged

Cerulean Blue
A childhood book
Ingested when I had no words for the world
My imagination / My universe
She was alone, like me
Isolated
Mute
Surrounded by nature
Gazing out over the sky and sea
With a dog named Rohu
Whale bones her home
Like the bones of my ancestor held me
Many years without a voice
Waiting for somebody to discover me / her
Not knowing I had to discover myself first
A soul developing in solitude
With only nature as guidance
A feral wildness sets in
And becomes a part of you
So that nothing..
even after civilized and found
..could tear the animal out of you.

Societal hope permeates
Like steam from good coffee
Building a sense of relief
The kids fold into city life
Brotherly love of music and murals
Back in the arms of my craft circle
Swimming in ingenuity and culture
Freedom of rapid transportation
Gives ease to growing independence
Fearless Opportunity
Sculling Rivers
Urban Gardens
Neighborhood cheesesteaks
Fresh Produce
Punk Rock Flea Markets
I flirt with teaching
Work in my industry
And create magical moments.
With like minded friends.

Vs

Held in a quiet space
Reflecting on nature
Remote & Camped
He is 18, she is 14
Fishing the ponds
Raised in the distance
Nestled in the remaining oaks
The deer stare blankly
Foxes skirt the perimeter
Working remotely
Dipping in and out of society
Renting out rooms
To more open minds
Protected by solitude
Yearning yet again
For next steps
I dig into the earth
To create healing art
Commune with the ether
The seasons turn over
One after the other.

Trees bathed in vines
Sun baked architecture
Red clay tiles
Alabaster corridors
Siestas mark midday
Like two sleeps allow
Reflection.
Art pervades the soul
Punctuated with images of Mary
Decorated lives
Hard work
Married to
Rest & Leisure
Soul deep Murals give way to
Colorful culture
Full of lavish lust
And friendly words
And the reddest wine
And the crispest fish
All infused
In a stunning Paella
Of family, history, connection.

The mind wakes
Eyes follow
Out of darkness
The warm glow
Expanding vision
The light creeps forward
Slow
Quiet
Illumination
Sudden color surrounds
The golden eye peaks open
Glitter showers the path
The sky expands
To cast warm hues of
Hope
Passion
And lingering calm.

There’s been a lot going on this year- travel (professional and for fun), launching a biz and pod, recouping from pandemic times, making new friends, visiting old friends…. it’s hard to keep it all straight… at least the kids are still smiling!

it’s been a minute since I stopped by for an update- 2021 felt like a long year… job is great, pandemic still sucks, kids are amazing, house needs work forever and always, firewood gathering never ends… but we persist.

Sloane turned 5 and I made the most overkill birthday cake ever. It was a blast. Homemade fondant is actually tolerable.

Hagan turned 9 and is the sweetest person that is endlessly curious and cuddly.

SX is the stay at home parent- which has really allowed us to all stay safe and grow a really strong family dynamic.

Lots to say… I will have to come back tho since firewood is calling…. It’s icy over here

After a long winter there are signs of hope- starting another garden, a new job, everyone is vaccinated, tiny social visits are all little things that feel like steps forward. With my side-hobby and tiny team, we are getting published, our grant is under submission, and we are looking for other grant/funding opportunities. The kids are so close and playing outside more and more everyday as the weather improves. Sloane is really finding her imagination-land and Hagan never skips a beat to participate. Hagan is so excited for Summer vacation and is sad that it is still months away. Sloane is getting excited to start school and turn 5… it all just happens so fast. From snowmen, house updates, craft projects, sushi-cake birthday parties, slackfline, school pictures- these two are obviously growing at at an astonishing rate.

It’s been a quiet year settling into this new life of isolation. We manage to stay silly. Hagan started out the school year hating it and now loves his Zoom days- although most days he gets to be on campus for a half day. Sloane is loving her school workbooks but her school was cancelled. She says she doesn’t want to go but she loves playing school so much… I think she’s going to really love it. This quarantine has been great for these two- they are so close. Thank goodness. I struggle with the isolation mostly with the lack of structure- every day seems to melt into the next. I also feel my social skills waning. I will be getting my second vaccine dose this week and look forward to the rest of my tiny quarantine bubble to get it too so we can experience a bit of normalcy together.

I spent a lot of the year waking early to tackle a side project that I’ve been nurturing for some time. It looks to be a success. I built a tiny team across the US consisting of two talented people that have been incredible. We have written a paper based on my concepts, a patent and a grant with additional academics. It looks like the paper will be published within the next couple of months. I don’t know that it would’ve been so easily accepted without the backdrop of a pandemic so perhaps it is a strange fortunate event.

SX has been struggling as a stay at home Dad- he has found a groove to be sure but I also think he wants more in the future and the struggle is trying to figure out what that might be. I do believe time is the answer to allthethings…. but patience has always been hard for me.

My job has been a whole body challenge since the fieldwork, which is the bulk of the work is basically cancelled. All of my clients are the top infectious disease physicians – and they are a bit busy right now. So, the team has had to get creative and I feel like last Fall we were starting to really make some gains but then the second peak found us flailing again this Winter- I am grateful to be part of this work and have learned so much. That said, the challenge continues.