May 28th, 2007
You cannot have life without death, light without dark, love without hate or hot without cold. Everyday we rythmically take in the breath of life and breath out death. The oxygen fills our lungs, exchanges with carbon dioxide which is then released. Sometimes I find it hard to breath, which means the same as I find life hard to take. I notice that my breathing is shallow and forcing air in is a challenge. Forcing life is a challenge.
I remember when I was very little that I was very, very shy. Since the shy time I have found ways to overcome my timidness yet, to do this I have squirreled away a bit of myself. I have pushed myself into a spotlight in order to find love, to be accepted, to find connections all at the expense of my shyness. Inside I hold my breath, hold my life not allowing the exchange of life and death to flow. I sit there waiting to be noticed. But I am not waiting to be noticed by someone outside of me, just to be noticed by myself.
May 14th, 2007
Someone told me that I am my own oasis. Alone on my private island that no one can reach. Sometimes I feel alone and separated but this is only one perspective.The water laps onto my shore and I feel refreshed as my small lump of self is protruding out from the water bathing in the warmth and glow of the sun while the whole of me expands downward into the abyss of the ocean. It is glorious to find solice and peace in myself but isolation allows the ego to go unchecked. All alone in my head, bathing in my own sun I feel all powerful. I am strong. I am me. The creation of I am not weak and I am not you comes into being. And I know these things are not true. I am both strong and weak, for how could I be one without the other? I am at times not me and at times am more you. I take on your mannerisms, your language and sometimes even your things. I give you my mannerisms, my language and my things. All of the sudden I feel overwhelmed with the feeling that I am surrounded by you and you and you. I am not alone for you are there. I feel my awareness expand to the depths of the ocean floor and outward.
There are moments when I feel the whole of the world rushing into and out of me all at once. I am not separated but in appearance. I am united with all secretly under a blanket of water. Under the covers I can feel you unite with me. I fall to my knees at the power of oneness that surges through me as I feel all of you. I am overwhelmed by the beauty that occupies my soul as I look at you.
The water allows feelings to move fluidly between you and I. When you look at the water you can’t see them, but as you feel the water encompass your body you can feel them too. All the feelings are there. And they surge all at once at all times. This is love.
My oasis is a mirage for anyone who does not feel me. I reach out to you and you shrivel away. But you and I are one, united by the earth, united by energy, united. I am the oasis, I am the ocean floor, I am reaching outwardly, expansively toward you.
If I am an oasis, so then are you. And you don’t know that I’ve been playing footsie with you all along.
