February 28th, 2007
She’s standing in my way. Not letting me thru. Who is she? She stands in between of me and my dreams always distracting me from my path. She is waving a scrumptious treat in the air that will inevitably disrupt my path to good health. She is lusting over something yummy that I want too… do i give in to the temptations and wait for “next time” to assert some self control or do I fall into a good time… fall into the lust.
Everytime I make a statement, a goal, she is there staring me down in anticipation of the fall. I won’t fall this time, its different. I am determined.
Daydreams of cherry blossoms, sunny days, tequila and loud laughter overwhelm my senses as a cookie is dangled under my nose. No, i say. and then i regret even though i feel powerful and strong.
and then in the dark, silence abounds and i am daydreaming again about the cookie she stood there holding for me.
Just a taste, i say.
February 27th, 2007
I’ve often admired people who can be so open and honest about their love. I can think of a few people who inspire me to open my heart. Unfortunately its not always as easy as it seems. I have defensive triggers that slam the door to feelings of the heart. That overwhelming sense of passion and adoration that accompanies a relationship/friendship when you’re so thankful of the connection. Yes, that wonderfully warm and fulfilling feeling often turns cold in me as a sort of defense mechanism to assure my survival…. survival of what i’m not sure but i know i mastered this during my childhood and now i can’t seem to knock it.
I had a dream last night about the love of my life. It was an ordinary dream with extraordinary feelings. I felt love as i remember it but it stayed with me and didn’t shut off at random intervals. I was overwhelmed with the feelings of gratefulness, appreciation and complete infatuation as i should be. I woke up knowing what could be… and now i just have to find out how to get there in my awake state.
There are moments when i’ve had these feelings but they never stay and i haven’t mastered how to overcome the wall that falls down between me and my heart. I just have to keep squinting hoping that someday i’ll speak the magic words and the wall will shatter away forever.
February 6th, 2007
Last night I went to Bikram yoga (which I absolutely love!) and afterwards the instructor encourages you to take at least two minutes or more to relax, eyes closed to absorb all the movements that you recently endured while focusing on JUST your breathing. Letting your mind be still.
I found myself pleading with my mind, “don’t rush off, just stay with me here quietly” It was like talking to a lover who is distracted by something in the peripheral while you’re trying to appreciate their loveliness. I was begging myself to stay, to hold on, to have faith while I appreciated my strength or my thoughtfulness or my love.
After the class (or should I say after I snickered at myself for having to plead myself into meditation?) I was struck with a thought. I thought about when you’re actually with someone intimately sharing a moment and you catch yourself wondering what it is the other person is really thinking… it creates an undertone of tension as you will never really know. But when you’re caught in your self made dichotomy, you really know what it is you’ve distracted yourself with… and you forgive yourself immediately and come back to your shared moment. All tension is removed.
just sharing a quiet moment with yourself….
